


Mind Reading Plant

by TheCrazyGeek



Category: The Thick of It (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Office Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Telepathic Sex, What Was I Thinking?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-25
Updated: 2014-08-19
Packaged: 2017-12-06 11:02:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/734931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCrazyGeek/pseuds/TheCrazyGeek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nicola gets a plant in her office that enables her to read minds....</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Total pure Crackfic this one. Originally written as a short for the fyeahmalcola blog on Tumblr but I added in the sexy bits due to popular demand.

 

It was a Monday afternoon when Nicola honestly began to think she was finally going nuts.

 

Started off simple, odd snatches of words or phrases in her head – similar to the way you would get a song stuck in your mind for a day or so – things she could shake off as just being stress or imagination.

She’d got a new plant in her office, a tall yucca-like thing given by some anonymous benefactor (and screened for bugs and nasty explosives; this was government after all) and she’d been bent over watering it when she heard very clearly Ollie’s voice:

 

_That is not a bad arse for a woman her age, I’d still do it._

 

“Ollie!” she screamed and whirled around, “Keep your perverted thoughts to yourself please!”

 

He looked confused as hell and stammered “Err…I didn’t say anything…you sure that’s just lemon in your drink?”

 

And that had been the start.

 

——

 

Hours later ..

 

She couldn’t take it. She’d even been Googling to see if you can get an addiction to Rescue Remedy, something, anything to explain this sudden ability she had to read minds in close proximity.

So far she’d found out that Ollie was pretty much horny ALL the time and the rumours were right as well – he did go both ways. Glenn’s major crush on Robyn seemed to involve a lot of wishing he could brush her hair..and crap knows what that was about, and as for Terri….Nicola shuddered as a totally unwanted mental picture of Peter Mannion sprang to mind.

 

Add to that the number of men (and a few women) in the building who pictured doing obscene things to her every time she ventured out of her office and she’d decided to effectively barricade herself in until this, whatever it was, stopped happening.

 

She’d though she’d got away with it too, until she heard a familiar Scottish voice bellowing in the other room. Christ, not him, not now.

 

“Nic’la! Thought ye’d be in here hiding from the real business of actually doing ye fucking job, mind if I come in? Actually I don’t fucking care if you do” and true to word he simply strode in and glared at her.

 

During the ensuing bollocking, Nicola actually found herself relaxing. She couldn’t pick up anything from Malcolm’s head apart from the stuff he was actually saying. After a day of increasingly disturbing pornography it was quite a relief in a way.

 

Finished with his ritual blood-letting, Malcolm changed tack abruptly and nodded toward her new office acquisition.

 

“Oh, by the way - havin’ fun with the wee plant yeah?”

 

“The..plant?”

 

“Aye, was in my fuckin’ office last week. Fun isn’t it? ‘course I had tae dump it onto some other fucker eventually otherwise you go rubber-wallpaper nuts with all those voices in ye head”

 

Her skin went cold as she realised what that meant. He smiled and leaned over her desk, dropping his voice to a breathy purr:

 

“And those were some  **very**  interesting thoughts you were having last time ye were in my office….”  _Nearly fucked you across my fucking desk_  she caught from his mind before he stood back, waved goodbye and stalked out the door.

 

Fuck.

 

**** 

 

It was late in the evening and Malcolm wasn’t letting her leave the building until they had a concrete plan for dealing with the latest leak of information to the press. Despite her arguing with him (down the phone, he was still at Number 10) that it had been Ollie who had fucked up this time, Malcolm had still demanded that she ‘fucking fix it or after I’ve finished ripping his tiny bollocks off I’ll start shoving them down your throat’. So Ollie ended up being summoned over to the Press Office and Nicola was left alone.

 

Which, after the day she’d had, was a relief. Constantly reading other people’s minds was like having a radio tuned to static broadcasting in your head. She’d even taking to reciting songs in her head to try and drown out the mental cacophony (‘Hey Macarena’ managed to avert some of Ollie’s more graphic thoughts) and finally having the place to herself was pure silence. Almost made up for the lateness of the hour.

 

 _Fuck this,_  she thought,  _nothing else is getting done tonight_. She’d made arrangements for the bizarre plant to be sent somewhere else (she’d have to take Sam out for lunch sometime to say thank you. She really was a brilliant PA) as every time she thought about destroying it she’d get a dreadful headache.

 

Speaking of dreadful headaches…

 

“Oi! Glum Chum, how fucking long does it take you to sort out a simple problem? My niece can read War and fucking Peace in the time it’s taken you to get your minuscule brain into gear” Malcolm walked into her office with the kind of grin that either meant he’d sorted it…or she was about to be thrown to the lions.

 

She sighed with relief when he carried on. “No, no, don’t fucking answer that because I, being the only person round here with a brain, have sorted the whole shit-smelling mess out so you can stop sitting here playing with yourself and fuck off home”  _don’t think about her touching herself, don’t fucking think it don’t don’t._

 

“You have a mind like a bloody sewer Malcolm” she kicked off her heels and made to go pick her trainers up. “but if you have it all sorted I’ll be off”.

 

_God I want you so badly._

 

Nicola stopped dead in her tracks and looked up to see Malcolm taking his suit jacket off and hanging it carefully over the back of a chair. She’d never seen him without his work armour before and really really wanted to know what was under that rumpled shirt…

 

 _We both know you can hear this,_  his lips didn’t move but she heard his voice clear as day, _and if you want to find out what’s under the shirt you just come over here._

 

Her eyes went wide  _You can hear me?! But.._

 

 _\- but nobody else could, I know it’s something to do with who the plant belongs to or has belonged to and don’t fucking ask me I haven’t worked it out but lets get back to those interesting thoughts of yours._ Malcolm closed the office door and turned the small lock.

 

The room suddenly seemed a lot hotter to Nicola.

 

 _Your naughty mind was thinking about ripping my shirt open and fucking me across my desk last week_ , even his mind tone was purring,  _so I’ve decided I won’t stop you because fuck I want you I want someone to fight back and make me FEEL and please stop fucking fartarsing around and come here if you want this_.

 

Nicola moved almost on autopilot and stepped across the room in bare feet to stand in front of the man she’d so feared who was now practically begging for her attention. A feeling of smug power built inside her – Malcolm Tucker wanted her. He actually wanted her.

 

So she decided she’d have him.

 

Her hands slowly reached out and touched his chest, flattening her palms across rumpled fabric and feeling the heat coming off the skin underneath.

 

 _I always thought you’d be cold_ she thought with a small grin and started to undo the buttons.

 

 _Benefits of a fucking fast metabolism and a high strength caffeine addiction fuck I want your fucking hands on me_ , his thoughts suddenly changed to static when she pulled his shirt out of his trousers to reach the last few buttons.

 

Her hands slid inside his shirt  _Oh god I’m stripping Malcolm and he’s letting me do it_ and moved round to his back, pulling him against her.  _If you are serious about this then kiss me you idiot._

 

 _Finally_ was his only thought as his eyes closed and head bent down to press soft lips against hers. He moved his mouth only slightly for a while, teasing her with tiny butterfly kisses which were totally unexpected from the man once referred to as ‘Mad Dog McFuck’.

 

Without warning she felt his tongue against her lips and things got a lot more savage, the only thoughts in the air a duet of  _now, please, got to have you, god I’m so fucking turned on_ as their hands tore at each other to try and get enough skin bare. Nicola undid his belt and made short work of his trouser buttons while Malcolm showed surprising talent in getting her shirt and bra off without missing a single kiss.

 

 _Talented fucker_ she thought as his trousers hit the floor and her hands grasped the waistband of his underwear.

 _You don’t know the fucking half of it_ his mind tone promised dark and wonderful desires and he kissed her even harder as his hands moved to the front and grasped her breasts. _I am going to make you come so fucking hard around me oh yes more of that_. His mental ‘voice’ trailed off as her hand slid his underwear down and grasped his erection. Smooth and hard, he thrust into her grip as she tightened her fingers and then she gasped in delighted surprise – Malcolm had stopped kissing her lips and had moved lightning-fast to flicking his tongue against her bare nipples.

 

“Jesus” she gasped. _Hush love, no speaking I want to hear you in my head when you come and you fucking will_ he replied and murmured appreciative thoughts as his hands raised her skirt up and moved her underwear aside. She shuddered as his long talented fingers found their way past all her clothing to flutter against her nether lips.

 

They stayed like that for a while, hands delving and experimenting with each others bodies, mental cries of pleasure flowed so often it was hard to tell whose thoughts were which, kissing and touching, breathing faster. It was Nicola who finally made the move of batting his hands aside and stripping off her own knickers before hopping up onto the desk and smiling seductively.

 

_You mentioned something about nearly fucking me across a desk I believe Mr Tucker?_

 

Malcolm’s eyes went wide and he hurriedly stripped his own underwear off before taking her in his arms again and crashing his mouth to hers.  _I want you bent over that desk with your pert fucking arse up in the air now._ She practically scrambled to her feet before turning around and bending forward, knowing full well he’d be able to see how much she wanted this. She wasn’t wrong either:

 

_Oh Jesus you’re wetter than a fucking monsoon god how is my cock going to feel in that I can’t believe I’m actually getting to do this spread your legs a bit more love._

 

Despite her wetness it was still a stretch when she felt him try to enter her. He had to work his way in with short thrusts, all the time her mind was babbling to please just stick it all the way in. When he finally slid inside her right to the hilt they stopped for a while, breathing heavily, getting used to the feel of each other.

 

Respite period was broken by Malcolm’s sudden withdrawal and hard thrust back in. He reached around to rub in rhythm just above her clit as his cock pushed in and out of her, building up speed.

 

 _Tell me when you are going to come_ , even his mind tone was breathless at this point.  _Want your pussy clenching around me be what makes me come._

 

 _Oh you’ll know_  her mind responded  _it’s not going to be long if you keep doing that oh fuck a bit to the left and harder please fuck, harder_.

 

Malcolm pounded into her, the desk creaking as Nicola grasped onto it to keep her balance. _Fucking yes should have done this before you’re so wet and tight and god come soon I don’t know how much longer I can keep on._

 

 _Harder!_ Her mind screamed and then her mouth did as his course fingertips brushed against her folds and she was coming, howling, the pulsing intensity carrying on long past any normal point, her mind a single note of pure pleasure crescendo, her body shaking with release.

 

 _I can feel you come_ was the last coherent thought from Malcolm before his mind simply cried out and he gave a single deep thrust – coming inside her.

 

**-**

 

“Why is there a fucking plant in your office Sam? Makes this place look like a fucking garden show”

“No reason Jamie” Sam smiled as her suspicions about a certain Scot were proved true…

 


	2. Return of the Mind Reading Plant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I cannot believe I wrote more of this...okay, it's a plant that makes people able to read minds and want to hump each other. The worst excuse for a TTOI crackfic you will EVER read. Malcolm/Julius, Malcolm/Jamie, Malcolm/Jamie/Sam, Ollie/Julius, Nicola/Sam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Don’t take seriously. In fact, probably best not to read it at all……

**

Julius Nicholson, blue-skies thinker and blue-blood heritage, was sitting in his office and enjoying a nice cup of Darjeeling. Or he was trying to. His thoughts were mostly on how he was suddenly able to read minds. It seemed awfully rude to know everyone’s little secrets, did it not?

Nicola, after her vigorous rogering over her desk by one telepathic Malcolm Tucker, had got rid of the plant by simple dint of telling Glenn to “Toss the bloody thing into a woodchipper” and walking back into her office before he could ask her why. It was a lovely plant actually, deep green fern-like leaves with an amazing dark blue stalk. No spikes, no thorns, nothing dangerous at all and he just couldn’t bring himself to destroy such a harmless thing. So he’d had it delivered to a place where Nicola would not likely see it: Julius’ office.

…

The trouble really began, they’d agree later, when Malcolm stormed into Julius’ office, slammed his hands down on the desk, leaned over and proceeded to give an explicit and detailed description of him, Julius Nicholson, and his probable relations with goats. Malcolm’s face was inches away from his and leaning over Julius, looming like some great bird of prey—

_dear lord I wish one day he’d kiss me when he does that_

Malcolm reared back as he ‘heard’ that from Julius and scanned the room rapidly before settling his curious gaze on the plant.

“Ahh, so ye got it now? Wondered where that cunting thing had gone, I know Nic’la told me she’d destroyed it but that woman couldn’t destroy a wet slice of bread without fuckin’ it up.” Malcolm paused for a split second with his head tilted and then remembered what he’d just ‘heard’ from old baldy. “Interestin’ thought there ye fucking ballbag, if I’d known you’d get a fucking semi on every time I yelled at ye, I’d have stopped doin’ it years ago.”

Julius flushed a deep crimson. “My, err, apologies Malcolm. It has been a long day and I certainly didn’t mean what I thought—“

"—Stave it egg head. I heard the same fucking lines from Nic’la when she had the plant." Holding up a hand to stop Julius interrupting, Malcolm continued. "She gets wetter than the Thames when I yell at her. Something that seems tae be a bit fucking common around here." He leaned forward again so his lean face was inches from Julius’. "I fucking loved it. Shagged her fucking rotten."

With that, Malcolm crushed his lips to the man behind the desk and for the next few minutes practically attempted to rip his tonsils out with his tongue.

**

By the time Malcolm had straightened his clothes and walked out of the office with a “see you baldy,” Julius had had the distinct pleasure of seeing Malcolm sat on his desk, his suit still impeccable, but with his cock out and Julius’ mouth engulfing it. Malcolm’s mind had broadcast some annoyance when he realised he couldn’t grab Julius’ hair and force his head down onto his cock - there being no hair to grab - but his mind spoke nothing but pleasure when Julius took the Director of Communications deep down his throat.

He was still blushing over the fact that Malcolm had heard from his own head that he’d want nothing better than to be bent over his own desk and fucked hard by Malcolm. Oh, and called a number of highly inappropriate names for a Lord while Malcolm did so. He didn’t doubt for a second that the Scotsman would use such enticing ammunition against him at some future altercation.

Damn that plant. Julius called in one of the civil servants who worked for him and instructed them to take the wretched thing elsewhere. Far away if you please and somewhere out of his sight.

…

The plant ended up back in Malcolm’s office.

Sam usually had impeccable timing but even she’d admit later that she hadn’t been up to her usual standards when she walked into Malcolm’s office to see him vigorously screwing Jamie over his desk. She’d frozen to the spot, eyes riveted to their writhing bodies and Malcolm’s cock thumping in and out of Jamie’s willing form. They both groaned in pleasure and Sam couldn’t stop the sudden flood of wet between her legs.

_God the amount of times I’ve come thinking of this_ _,_ she thought, and the two men both stopped and turned to look at her.

“She’s a fuckin’ kinky bitch eh?” Jamie said from his position face down on the desk. “Imagine gettin’ yourself off thinkin’ of us goin’ at it.”

“Aye, always wondered what she liked,” Malcolm quirked a brief smile and then thrust hard into Jamie.

_Fuck I love it when he does this just fucking take me!_ Jamie’s thoughts were loud enough to be heard by both Malcolm and Sam and she could quite clearly ‘hear’ Malcolm’s mind spin through a number of highly pornographic possibilities.

_this is what the hell the fuck_ Sam managed to shoehorn her brain into gear enough to ask out loud what was going on and Jamie raised himself up enough to point to a rather unusual plant next to Malcolm’s desk. “Mind-readin’ sex plant darlin’. Ye come near it an’ ye can hear thoughts an’ get hornier than an Essex girl on an alcopop binge.”

“I’ll go -” Sam started and turned on one heel to allow her boss and his press officer some privacy. _save that image for later though because those two *are* fucking hot together and god I wish someone would touch me like they are doing to each other it’s been ages since I’ve had sex and fuck it’s only mid day and I’m wet with no dry knickers with me-_

_-_ _join us_. Malcolm’s mind tone was similar to his vocal one, even down to the accent. _Both of us want ye don’t ye wee Jamie?_

_Fucking aye I’ve wanted that gorgeous body of yours naked in front of me since you fucking started here_ , Jamie’s mind was far more graphic than Malcolm’s and just flashed images of Sam coming underneath him over and over. _The first day ye walked in I wanted tae pull that skirt up an’ give ye a right good seeing tae -_

_\- don’t be so fucking rude Jamie_. Malcolm’s tone interjected again and he looked Sam full in the eye as his thoughts continued to resound in her head: _I wanted tae take ye out and court ye from that first day but you were so young an’ it would’ve been wrong but I still want ye and always have and please -_

Sam found herself locking the door - _which you two should have done you bloody fools_ \- and taking a step or two toward them both. Experimentally she sent out a thought: _I wouldn’t stop either of you right now I want your hands on me both of you stroke my breasts fuck me rough -_

“God” Jamie moaned out loud and lifted himself up from the desk, dislodging Malcolm. “I got tae take her.”

“Ye’re no’ the only one” Malcolm stroked a hand down Jamie’s back and held out the other to Sam. “I think we need tae attend tae this lovely young lass who does so much fer us.”

A few minutes of undressing and shifting places and intense foreplay, Sam was lying on the floor with Malcolm between her legs and Jamie by her head. Malcolm pulled her up onto her elbows and motioned Jamie over.

“Right, I’m going tae screw you, and you are goin’ tae give young Jamie here the best blowjob of his fucking life. When he gets close though, I want him back over here with me.”

Jamie was more than willing and buoyed on by his mental praise, Sam took him in her mouth at the same time that Malcolm entered her. It was awkward to hold her mind onto circling Jamie’s large erection with her tongue while Malcolm was starting to glide in and out of her but she managed. _God he’s so much bigger than Malcolm, I’ll choke!_ they caught from her mind and Jamie stroked her head gently. “Don’t worry lass, I’ll not go hard on ye – I want tae make that auld cunt choke, not you.”

Sam, writhing on the edge and trying to grind down onto Malcolm’s hips, saw what he’d had in mind. Jamie was standing, legs astride her body, while Malcolm took him into his mouth.

_Oh fuck yes,_ Jamie moaned, his hips already starting to thrust into Malcolm’s willing mouth. _Jesus I hope she comes first I don’t want tae miss it oh KEERIST_. Malcolm had started swirling his tongue around Jamie’s cock while at the same time reaching down to rub his thumb around Sam’s clit. His cock was still working in and out of her but at a slower pace as he concentrated on making both of them moan with pleasure.

His rubbing between her legs sped up and Sam breathed relief as she felt her orgasm start to bubble up inside her. _Make me come_ , her mind begged, _make me scream_. It was that moment that Jamie gave a small moan and grasped Malcolm’s hair – _ohgod i’m gonna fuckin’ come, suck me down oh yes like that fucking hell_ – his thoughts were desperate and barely coherent, but Malcolm understood. He sucked harder, faster, running his tongue along the underside as he laved him with eager affection, enjoying the noises from his partners, until – _here it comes oh god I’m coming_ – Jamie thrust deep into Malcolm’s mouth and moaned as his cock spurted waves of come into his mouth.

The sight of Jamie coming with Malcolm’s lips around his cock was far too much for Sam and she shuddered against Malcolm’s fingers – _god that was hot I hope I see that again oh god_ – her thoughts trailed off into pure sensation as her body tensed with her approaching orgasm. Malcolm worked his fingers in a blur of activity and was rewarded by her stifled cry and arching back. He continued this rough pace until she moaned with pleasure and came around him.

Malcolm lost all control and thumped harder into her, his brain overloaded with the thoughts of his two lovers, but he managed a mental _fuckyesyesyes_ before he gave a final thrust and came long and hard into Sam.

Their minds, exhausted but happy, shared thoughts of possible future combinations that the three of them could do. It was Malcolm though who decided that it was just too fucking risky to have that plant in his office any longer, fun though it was, so the plant ended up back in Julius’ office, just in time for Ollie Reeder to meet with him to discuss a policy idea.

**

  
  


Ollie always enjoyed speaking to Julius. Refined manners and exquisite tastes was unheard of in his office, especially when the Glaswegian mobsters were around, and so he didn’t mind being told to take a policy document over to the Lord Nicholson’s sounding board. He did throw a few insults at the man though - more teasing really - and imagined that, for a second, he’d finally dredged up the nerve to insult Malcolm.

Julius quirked a smile after the insults and remarked: “You have a long way to go Oliver before you are anywhere near what I put up with from Malcolm. Might I suggest sharpening your tongue on his sparse bones rather than my corpulent frame?” Ollie huffed a small laugh at that.

_Such an attractive fellow when he smiles oh lord._

Ollie froze. Those words had been in Julius’ voice but without moving his lips. Before he could ask if the Lord had suddenly taken up ventriloquism as a hobby it came again:

_Does he like men like Malcolm does I wouldn’t mind on my desk on my chair Malcolm groans when he comes I wonder if Oliver does._

“Julius?” Ollie’s mind was whirling. What the living fuck was going on around here these days? He was pretty fucking sure he’d heard Malcolm and Nicola shagging in her office the other day and the rumour mill reported a similar event between Sam and Jamie in the pantry next to Malcolm’s office and now he had Julius here thinking about Malcolm coming.

“Yes Oliver?” A look of realisation hit Julius’ eyes and he smiled apologetically. “Oh I do apologise. I’ve been remiss in my professional duties and you probably picked up on, err, shall we say some inappropriate memories of mine?”

_Ohmygod he’s had sex with Malcolm that’s an actual memory jesus fuck a powerful man ordering me to my knees holy hell_ \- Ollie could have fainted so easily right at that moment, were it not for the fact that those were actually pretty fucking hot images and being ordered to his knees was a recurring fantasy of his-

“Is it now, Oliver?”

“W-what?” Ollie stammered.

“A dirty little fantasy of yours to have an older and more, ahh, powerful man order you to your knees?”

_oh hell yes please dominate me call me your bitch make you come_

Ollie looked feverishly around the room for weird alien devices or anything that would explain Nicholson’s sudden ability to read his mind. Julius simply pointed at a leafy plant in the corner and said only, “Mind-Reading plant. Seems to ahh, enhance the carnal instincts of others. Nobody knows how or why, it only shows up and does this.”

_That was an interesting thought Oliver,_ Julius projected, and saw Ollie’s eyes widen. _Perhaps you would care to kneel in front of me and take care of a rather pressing_ _matter?_

He leaned back in his chair and spread his legs slightly so Ollie could see the bulge straining against his trousers. _Come come Oliver, I don’t have all day._

  
  


*****

Nicola dug her fingers into the hair of the brunette currently engaged in nibbling her neck and feverishly squeezing at her breasts. “Sam, god, he’ll hear!”

“I just don’t care anymore” Sam muttered and flicked a thumb across Nicola’s erect nipple. “I want you”

The plant, sat under the stack of chairs in the corner, went ignored. For now.


End file.
